“You’re not listening to me!” …try active listening instead

I was having a ‘conversation’ with my 13 year old that was slowly quickly escalating into an argument. He raised his voice so I could ‘hear’ him and said “you are not listening to me”. ‘What do you mean I am not listening to you’ I thought. ‘I am doing all the right things. I have given you my attention. I am sitting at your level looking you in the eye. I am hearing what you are saying and I am responding’.

So my first response was “You just don’t like what I have to say”

This didn’t really appease him, so I decided to really let him know I had heard him by repeating what he said. By again looking him in the eye and calmly repeating to him his concerns and my concerns and how our opinions were differing.  I then finished with the sentence “Have I got that right? Is that why you are upset?”

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